Abandonment issues plague wife as an adult

Dear Ellie: My wife loves me but isn't "in love"; she left last month. We're sharing custody of our kids. There's no other man.

Her adoptive parents divorced when she was 10. She never again saw that "father," and her "mother" died when she was 17. I was her only relative. I think she's having a mid-life crisis (she's 38), so I'm not dating, divorcing, nor pressuring her to come back yet.

Fooling Myself?

dear fooling myself: It's too soon for everyone, especially the kids, for you to consider dating; give at least six months to a year for the family to settle into this new situation.

Your wife experienced much "abandonment" in the past; you're wise and thoughtful to not close any doors. She'd benefit from counseling; suggest this as important to her self-discovery, rather than a push for reconciliation.

Dear Ellie: I recently ended a romance with a man because his ex asked him to come back. When he told me, I didn't force him to choose, but a few days later, we ended the relationship. It was best for both of us, but I feel there was something more I could've done.

The relationship would've made me suspicious and paranoid, yet he's a good man whom I miss. Should I just leave him alone or tell him that I miss him?

Lonely Heart

Dear lonely heart: Get on with your life in positive ways, instead of stirring up confusion on both sides. Telling him you miss him is just another way to stay involved, making you "suspicious and paranoid," which is sure to convince him to stay where he is.

It's crucial for you to move forward on your own. Now. Focus on connecting with friends and family who love and support you, and get active in things you enjoy doing.

Dear Ellie: My husband of 10 years and I have a dilemma with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law regarding their son, age 3. We live far from them and see them a few times a year. When I've visited, I've noticed their son shows signs of autism. My brother-in-law does not talk to his parents and doesn't associate much with the rest of the family, though all live near him.

Until recently, he and my husband were on good terms, but are now fighting. My heart aches for my nephew; we're not sure if his parents are aware. My mother-in-law wants me to tell them. My husband says it could cause permanent communication loss with his brother. I just want to get my nephew some help. Should I tell them?

Concerned Aunt

dear concerned aunt: It's always worth the effort to help a child ... but proceed cautiously, as a greater family rift could make his father resistant to believing there's a problem, if there is one.

Unless you're a professional in this field, do not make assumptions or fan fears, even among the other relatives. Reach out to your sister-in-law as to ask how she's doing in general, in the light of the lessened communication with your husband. Ask gentle questions about your nephew.

If she raises concerns, do not suggest a diagnosis, but recommend she see the doctor. Keep up this contact as a support to the mother, which she undoubtedly needs anyway, since your brother-in-law isolates himself from family.

Ellie's column runs Monday through Friday. Send e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.